I feel like a sack of shit. Well, specifically (because creatively describing how rubbish I feel will help, honest), I feel as though some horrible little demon has sneaked into my head through my right ear canal and has drained it of all emotion, all energy and all the other little things which help make me human. Next, they have replaced this precious headstuff with cotton wool soaked in Negative Thoughts, such that I barely have the will to exist- but trying to achieve sleep would take too much effort, so I'm stuck here in a merry Hell. Dragging myself to this computer took a considerable amount of effort and was only achieved, I suspect, because after having gone to the toilet, this here desk chair is closer to my door than my bed is.

It's not surprising that I'm ill though, considering that my parents spent Friday through to Sunday lolling around on the sofa and the big leather ofice chair, respectively, swathed in blankets and duvets, croaking feebly. But the main reason it's not surprising is because I was working all day Saturday and all day Sunday at Woolworths, and got very little sleep on either of those two nights despite being shattered. Sitting at a till all day, being permanently polite and smiley and helpful, and in constant terror that something will go wrong and when I push the button no one will answer my shrill call for help and the entire queue of customers will get angry and start shouting at me is surprisingly tiring. But I did get paid by a dog yesterday, which almost makes up for it all.

Someone told me I was perfect today- rather, they muttered it under their breath, an accusation. I've been trying to figure out why things that should be compliments can end up hurting so much, even if it's a joke. I've figured it triggers the exact same response as people judging you in a nasty way- the anger that someone feels they know enough about you to make a blanket statement. And yes, I know I do this too, so don't point out that I'm a hypocrite because I know it full well and it kills me. I judge people all the time- on how they look, the way they talk, the things they say- and it's unfair, but I think that's just the way we are as people, especially a girl in an all-girls' school. I remember some scientific study which found that people are more likely to make friendships based on what they both dislike, rather than what they like and have in common. While usually this doesn't bother me, sometimes it just makes me think that our entire race is based on contempt and bitterness and spite rather than love and kindness or any of those silly things, and I'm right in there with everyone else, being a bitch and enjoying it. And I'm scared that, given time, I won't be able to remember the nice stuff. I complain because I can't think of anything else to say.

In short, I'm far from bloody perfect- I'm stubborn, I'm cowardly, I can be incredibly selfish and half the time I feel I'm faking some aspect of my life, so that sooner or later a God I don't believe in is going to bring his wrath down in me because He doesn't like fakers. And yeah, sometimes I wish this would happen sooner rather than later because I get sick of pretending- even if honesty would hurt even more.

Now if you don't mind, I'm going to go loll around on my bed, swathe myself in my duvet and croak feebly.