I made my university choices the other day. After weeks of fretting over it, I finally sat down with the prospectuses for Sheffield and Cardiff (who both vied for the position of no.1 choice- that Southampton would be my insurance choice was pretty much always a dead cert), read them through, and picked Sheffield. Not for any rational reason really- they were pretty much equal in terms of course and ranking and such- but I just liked the feel of Sheffield more when I went there to visit, and all that I read reinforced that better feeling. I am still slightly afraid that this may have been because I was in a better mood overall when I went to Sheffield, as that was at the beginning of The Great Uni-Choosing Adventure, rather than towards the end when I was tempted to say Sod it, I'll just work full-time in Woolworths for the rest of my life. Still, I'm happy with my decision, even if Sheffield is a frighteningly vertical city. And now that I've made it, I'm stuck with it anyway, so there's no point in me stressing.

That's one thing that did really bug me about the whole UCAS final-decision-making process. Rather than go through the successful offers slowly, one by one and make a written reply to each, or some other such safe system, we have only to choose 'Firm', 'Insurance' or 'Decline' from a drop-down menu for each. And once you've submitted those choices, whoosh- off flies your future into the deepest depths of cyberspace, with no going back. Well, apparently UCAS send you a letter saying you've got 14 days to change your mind, but I am yet to receive one and have already got my 'welcome!' letter from Sheffield through the post, so I am not holding out for one. What the hell do you do if you accidentally select the wrong university? It's easy enough to do on a drop-down menu like that; it's the kind of thing I do all the time.

I imagine myself, rather than simply (ha) choosing my university, choosing an option from the drop-down menu of Life. My cursor hesitates over 'Outwardly Happy And Successful Career Woman, Who In Fact Uses Vast Income And Business Connections To Disguise Terrible And Aching Loneliness', to finally settle on 'Dead End Job, Lazy Brutish Partner And Three Ungrateful Children- But At Least Has A Nice Cat'... but alas! Someone jogs my arm and 'Destitute Junkie Whore' gets selected instead, and next thing I know, it's ten years later and I'm lying dead in an alley, with even the rats staying clear of my toxin-riddled body. Bummer.

The idea that a few little clicks made now could determine the entire course of my life is both terrifying and somewhat awe-inspiring. Mostly the former. I am indecisive by nature, and hate making even the smallest decisions; choosing something from a restaurant is tricky enough, let alone deciding where I'm going to live and study for the next three years of my life. I know I should be grateful that I get to make these decisions for myself- and I am really, enormously so. Just, sometimes, I wish I could crawl into my bed and stay there, allowing everyone else to make the difficult choices for me. Maybe I could come out to choose what flavour hot chocolate I want, but that's it.

ALSO:
The past week has seen me become a little obsessed with this song. It was huge in its native Australia last year, so I'm not the only one who loves it. Don't bother watching the video, it's boring, but maybe you'd like to just listen to it while you do something else?

Augie March- One Crowded Hour

'And if love is a bolt from the blue, then what is that bolt but a glorifed screw'- best song lyric ever?