And so starts year two! Well, it started quite a while ago really, but I haven't felt compelled to write about it earlier; in summary, it has involved lots of work, ridiculous house-arguments and a near-permanent state of exhaustion. I have entered a vicious cycle wherein I am too tired to concentrate, stay up later in order to get work done, get less sleep, am more tired as a result, am too tired to concentrate, etc. It is not good. This cycle will hopefully be unwound next week, when my bastard lab report and anatomy exam are out of the way (thanks BMS dept for setting the first two pieces of work that actually count towards my degree for the same day!) so I will be able to sleep all weekend without guilt. Except that I'll have to catch up with all the reading I haven't been able to do due to aforementioned bastard lab report and exam. Jesus Christ, it's never-bloody-ending.
I had a meeting with my personal tutor yesterday, which went pretty well. Apparently, if I can keep my exam marks up to the same standard as last year, I should make a 2:1 no problem, possibly a first. Which is pretty damn good, except of course that it is all a lot harder this year. I'll muddle along though, as I always do...
...Which leads me into today's existential rant. This is something I don't think I've ever really discussed with anyone, because I fear it would make me sound like a complete arse. I think I sound like an arse when I think it to myself. But I figure the internet has plenty bigger arses than mine floating about it, so I'm going to go for it.
I am very happy to hear that I am currently doing very well as far as grades are concerned. And yet, I can't shake the feeling that it doesn't really matter. I've always had that feeling, but more so recently. I am terribly, boringly academic, and I just wish I was good at something more interesting than school. I guess this is what I get for being into art and writing and music- it's so incredibly frustrating that I will never be able to make beautiful things for a living like all the people I really admire. Who cares if I can remember a bucket-load of genes and the proteins they code for, or the flexors and extensors of the forearm, or the mechanisms of long-term potentiation? It doesn't MEAN anything. It would if I were to become a doctor, or some other medical professional that actually made a direct difference to people's lives, but that's a no-go route. I just feel like the poster-child for mediocrity. Which is stupid, because I know really that I'm lucky to be this good at the book-learning, and there's probably lots of people out there who wish they were as good at it as me. But from a selfish point of view, I want more than this. This isn't enough as far as I am concerned, personally. I suppose what makes it worse is that I can play music a bit, and draw a bit, but not to a standard that makes me stand out- and yet those are the things I most enjoy doing, when it comes down to it. If I'm reading for a lecture, I'll get bored after ten minutes of even the most stimulating of topics; if I'm drawing or painting, I can do so for several hours without looking up once. I don't know. There's just days when I want to give up this whole university lark and just paint pictures in a cabin in the woods. As long as it has internet, obviously.
On a more positive note with regards to this, I will soon start volunteering for a local charity, Art in the Park. Basically, volunteers go to parks around Sheffield, set up creative workshops and encourage people- kids mainly, but anyone can join in- to get down and help make art. I did some volunteering at my old Middle School a couple of years ago and have to say, despite my anti-babies stance, that helping slightly older children draw and paint and make stuff is super-fun. I may not be creating anything to inspire future generations, but at least I'll hopefully make some kids smile for a bit. That's probably the best I can hope for at the moment.
posted by Alice @ 10:56 PM
2 Comments:
I'm going to apply to Edinburgh, Nottingham, York, and Leicester. I still need to find a backup who will offer me a B in English if I mess up... I'm quite scared. Any helpful comments on any of them? I feel a bit underinformed, but I can choose between them once I have offers.
I'm wondering how useful you think other subjects would have been... sure, a lot of the stuff you learn is not going to come up in real life, but there's so much good stuff you learn in any degree. I think many people fear mediocrity, mostly artists, and I still think that very few artists can actually make a career of it... The most important thing is that you are creative and you are artistic, and that you're not just two-dimensional. Though I can understand why you're so insecure about it... :(
And I'm quite flattered that you've been reading my stuff =) thanks!
Existential rants..Some would say, that it is by these outbursts, that we truly are/feel alive, in opposition to and in distinction from, the pervasive meshwork of the universe itself, that tars us all with the same brush..
Mediocrity..We are all mediocre in the light of existence, regardless or our interests, hopes, dreams, careers..On the big scale of things, there is no intrinsic meaning, or purpose, for that matter..Without going on a tangent, what I mean to say, is that there is no why..In the face of this, there are however, two other questions that do exist..They are, "What?", and "How?"..
Whilst we are products of the environments in which we find ourselves, our individual propensities, towards the aspects of life that we perceive and hold dear, are very much going to vary..These variations are underpinned by the physical mechanisms that allow them to be, propagated by mechanisms, whether physical, chemical, biological or social..I think that it is a good idea to attempt to understand these mechanisms, as they allow us to integrate disparate realms of existence and create things, that had no precedence beforehand..Some might say that understanding these mechanisms is far from pointless, for without them, we are not..
Paradoxically, the more we learn, the more we find that existence is meaningless, however, the flip-side to this, is that as we know and understand more, the greater our ability to create outside of ourselves becomes..This in itself, imbues meaning into our behaviours..This is the existential condition and also, a well known adage, 'We create our own meaning'..
Your art is beautiful, as stated before, your concepts appear fresh and your understanding of metaphor, only adds to this..Anyhow, I would recommend reading a book named 'Nausea', it was written by a French, existential philosopher, named Jean-Paul Sartre and it helped me during my periods of existential unrest..It would probably be less non-sensical than my input also!!
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